1000 Days

January 15, 2022

Let me start by saying this is a hard one for me to write; I have definitely struggled with just how honest and transparent I want to be. In my last post, I told you that perhaps I would one day address the suicide issue that grieving Mom’s face. So, here goes…

I have dreaded this day for at least the past 900 days. As the 100 day mark without Ashley neared, I remember thinking: “This has been almost unbearable. There is no way I can endure another hundred days without her presence here with me.” And as each new “100” approached, I had the same thoughts…”I don’t know how I’ve survived another hundred days without Ashley.” But 1000! That number was so big, and it loomed large in my mind. I just couldn’t imagine life without Ashley for that many days…I could not survive. God would have to take me, or I would have to take myself. Yes, that has been the thinking. I would sometimes panic as I thought of this day. Think of it…1000 days without your child! An impossible thought…until it’s reality. 

Depression is so very real on this journey…even with my beloved Savior walking with me. And thoughts of suicide? Most definitely. Not all the time…not even often, but more often than you’d imagine. Because the loss of a child takes you into deeper, darker depths than you could have ever imagined. It is not a journey for the weak. 

Recently (holidays), I’ve avoided much of FB because it leads me into a place of self-pity. And, let’s be honest…if I’m considering the taking of my own life, self-pity is not a great thing to add to the mix. I’m truly happy for the joyful moments in the lives of friends and family, but they are a recognition of all that I am missing with Ashley. 

And, yes, I recognize the reality behind the “perfect” posts. There is often pain that is not spoken of, difficult times lived behind closed doors…the smiles sometimes hiding the tears. Only God knows the true account of our lives…the joy, the pain, the victories, the despair, the loneliness, the isolation. And it is only in those still, quiet moments with Him that we can bring each of those difficult life moments to His throne of mercy. 

There is probably no one else in this world who knows that January 15th is 1000 days without Ashley. I cannot help it…there is something within me that must keep track of these days. For in my mind, they look before me insurmountable…a great mountain that I can never ascend. And I can’t. Not on my own. 

Somehow, I have made it through ten “100 days”…and every Christmas…and birthday…and Easter…and the 21st of each and every month. How have I done that?! Because in spite of what you may think or say, I am most definitely not strong. Any strength I have comes from God. Any hope in my heart comes from Him alone. 

But I do believe there is strength in admitting the dark places I fall on this journey…because I get up…I rise.  And I do not give in. And I do not give up. And every grieving Mother who has survived to today without taking her life…she is victorious!! Whatever weaknesses you see in her, whatever you may say about her to her face or behind her back, whatever judgments you may decide about her…she is courageous! Every day that she gets out of bed, knowing that her child is no longer on this earth, every time she shows up for work, every time she laughs, every time she smiles, every time she gets dressed…goes to the store…cleans her house…takes a shower…she is strong. I applaud her for continuing to fight to live when she just wants to give in. And I hope you will treat her with kindness and compassion and respect. Because she deserves it.  

Not every grieving Mother faces this battle. But I do believe that most of us do. And for those of us that do, it is certainly not constant, and wanes as time goes by. Also, let me point out something else. Just because a grieving Mom says she “wants to die”…that does not, NOT, mean that she plans on killing herself. We desperately long to be with our child who has died, and most of us are ready to go…when it’s our time. But just saying that does not imply intent. So, love her and ask further questions. If she is truly talking of suicide, don’t leave her alone. And find someone to help her. Ideally, a therapist she’s already seeing, her pastor, her husband. But stay with her until you know she is safe from self-harm or until someone else can stay with her. 

How have I overcome that dark despair? Because I know this is not God’s plan for my life. But when I’m in crisis mode…in the midst of that despair, how do I not give in?! Many ways: prayer (literally crying out to God…on my knees, in my bed); forcing myself to go take care of Max or the chickens, getting outside and working in the garden, and reminding myself over and over that it is not just “1000 days without Ashley”, but “1000 days closer to being reunited with Ashley”…seeing her beautiful face and holding her once again! It is not just “positive thinking”; it is a complete mind change that only God can bring about…it is trading my sorrows for His promises…it is trading my narrow focus of this life to His eternal perspective…it is trading my self-pity for His everlasting compassion and love…it is giving up this hopelessness that I sometimes wrap around me for His abiding hope…it is giving up my despair for His purposes…this overwhelming sadness for His promises…this pit of desolation for His joy unending…this dark night of my soul for the Light of the World…this loneliness for His abiding presence…my ashes for His beauty…the lies I tell myself for the promises and truth of His Word, such as “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” I overcome by taking my eyes off of me and putting them on Jesus, the author and perfector of my faith. It sounds so easy, but sometimes it is not. Sometimes it is, and I rejoice in the easier days! 

I truly thought I would not survive to the 1000 day mark. But God is full of surprises and this day has not been what I expected. It is a sacred day, as are her birthday, the day of her death, Christmas, Easter. All of the days just mentioned have been such a pulling at my soul to be reunited with Ashley because the pain of missing her on these days is so pulsing and intense. While there is sadness in my soul today, it is not unbearable. God’s grace has held and sustained me. He has truly replaced my thinking of 1000 days without…as 1000 days closer. I am 1000 days closer to seeing Ashley again!! And that change in thinking, my friends, is a miracle. 

I do not mean to imply that this day is easy…it is not! But I have found so much more grace than I ever imagined. Two years ago, one year ago, even six months ago, it felt like my heart was a sharp-edged piece of glass that had cut and wounded me deeply. If I breathed wrong or moved a certain way, the sharp edge of grief would pierce me yet again. God has mercifully reshaped and smoothed those sharp edges so that I do not feel the pain as intensely. Yet, it is still glass and can shatter or an edge break off leaving a sharp shard to pierce me yet again, reminding me that grief and loss still remain…that they will always remain. Grief is like that. Until I am reunited with Ashley in heaven with our Savior. Even as those sharp edges pierce me yet again, there is a sweet admonition that this is not my home, but that God still has a purpose for me here, and my eternal home awaits me. And I recall Romans 8:18 “Our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.”

Though infrequent now, this journey can still catch me by surprise, bringing me to such a place of profound heartache that I cannot see a way out on my own. It is only through Christ that I rise. 

I’m sure I will continue to have hard days, dark moments, difficult memories…but having made it to and through this 1000 day mark with hope and joy gives me…well, hope and joy. 

Where is Ashley in all of this? Well, she is whole…she is joyful…she is at peace…she is in no more pain, physical or mental…she is perfect! And that brings me joy. 

Let me add that the longer this journey continues, the less this urge invades my heart. And I think that is true of most Mom’s on this journey…or anyone who has intense grief or trauma. 

So, how can you help someone in this crisis? The main thing is to be present, to listen. Be especially aware and present around anniversary dates, birthdays, holidays. Let them know that they are not alone in their grief, that others miss their loved one and care. I know it can be so uncomfortable to be the friend who cares for someone dealing with grief…it is a lot. But perhaps God put you in their life for just such a time as this. True friends are difficult to find in the best of circumstances. Even harder to find in the worst that life has to offer. And they leave. One year out? Very few remain. Two years out? If we’re especially blessed, one or two. I call it “grief respite fatigue”. For you are our respite, and it can be a heavy responsibility. I hope you will hang in there with them and continue to be the friend that they need. To be allowed to be present in such intense grief is a special gift, not entrusted to many. You are allowed to see a special beauty and strength that few get to see up close. 

I will continue to desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far (Phil 1:23), but will stay where He has placed me, knowing that He knows the number of my days, and I can trust Him to bring me home at the right time. Until then, I am a soujourner in a land that is not my home, waiting for my true home…heaven…with my Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ, and my beautiful Ashley…my beloved daughter and best friend, and fulfilling whatever purposes and plans He has for me! 💕 

I leave you with this blessing…