December 27, 2022
There is so much rushing about in the Christmas season. Even now, two days later, when I go out, I still feel it. And it induces such anxiety within me.
I have learned to listen for the whisper of Him who loves me above all else. It is in the quiet that I hear him, that I feel His heartbeat. I am thankful when I return to the quiet solitude away from the busyness of life and traffic and crowds.
It is a sad reality that it took my beloved Ashley’s death to find that quiet space. It is a difficult thing to truly disconnect from all that is going on. Not just at Christmas time, but all the time in this crazy thing we call life. People and things are always clamoring for our attention…for more…more of our time, more of us! Even when we get some alone time, we tend to fill it with tv or something else. And if we truly stop, our minds just keep going, rarely finding the “pause” button long enough to hear ourselves truly think and truly ponder.
What are the things we should be pondering? Here are a few ideas: our abundant blessings…physical, spiritual, emotional, family, spouses, children, parents, our health, things we can touch, things we can feel, a warm home and a comfortable bed, our friends, our pets, our jobs, not being at war (Ukraine), having consistent power (again, Ukraine), being able to sleep without air raid sirens or missiles going by (again, Ukraine and many other places!), being able to wear the clothes that I want (Iran), being able to speak my mind as an American, as a woman (again, Iran), being able to worship God the way that I want (not as freely as I once did, but I will not take that liberty for granted!). Truly, I could go on and on…but I won’t.
What else do I ponder? For me, I think about heaven…a lot. One of the side effects of losing my Beloved Ashley. I ponder this life on earth: the meaning and purpose of it, my greater purpose on this earth, my purpose without my daughter here. I think of my time here as fleeting, though it now seems so long. And I think of myself as an alien here, for my home is in heaven and I am merely passing through. I imagine what heaven will be like…though it is my true home, I can only imagine it. I love C. S. Lewis. This is one of his statements (I’m taking it a bit out of context): “they are only the scent of a flower we have not found, the echo of a tune we have not heard, news from a country we have never yet visited” (The Weight of Glory). Although I can feel all of this flowing through me, I have not yet seen the reality and the beauty of all that heaven will truly hold…flowers and smells and birds I cannot begin to picture, music that will be beyond my imagining, a country unlike anything I have ever beheld.
I have done a lot of traveling in my life and been to some gorgeous places: the U. S., Mexico, Ireland, England, Scotland, Switzerland, Germany, the Bahamas. They all had breath-taking places and vistas and mountains and oceans. Yet, what awaits me in heaven? I truly have only my limited imagination. I like to think of Ashley surrounded by our past animals, but also unicorns and llamas. And I like to think we will one day be together caring for these gorgeous creatures. Even if not, it will be something beyond my wildest imaginings. So, yes, I contemplate heaven a lot. John 14:3 says: And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also. Jesus promised me that He is preparing my very own place for me, and that I will be together with Him.
In the grief and heartache of Ashley’s absence, I have learned to truly dwell (to wait, to delay, to linger) with Christ and ponder all that He has done for me…in silence, in reading, in prayer, in tears, in joy, in love, in hope. “The Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we beheld His glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father, full of grace and truth.” John 1:14 Dwelling with He who loves me has softened the hard edges of grief and often quieted the pain of my heart. His love and care for me continue. His love and care for Ashley continues, just in a way I cannot see…for now. But I know His heart…and I trust that Ashley is in His care, and that she abides and dwells with Him in a way that I can only imagine. But one day, oh, one glorious day, my dwelling will be with Christ and with Ashley, and it will never end. And we will abide together forever. And oh, that is enough to quiet my soul when the grief is so very loud.
But it is in those moments when I most need…the stillness…the quiet…the whisper of my Savior’s love, the whisper of His voice…reminding me that I am loved, I am redeemed, and my true home…my everlasting home…and Ashley’s everlasting home…is one breath away, in one twinkling of an eye.
In the quiet, in the solitude of just the two of us, I can focus on His heart, this Holy One, this Holy Lamb of God. I pray that you will find true stillness, the quiet to meditate on Christ, to listen for the still, small voice of your loving Savior…the voice that whispers “I love you”. Just as you are. The quiet voice that calms the storm in your heart, the storm of grief, the storm of doubt, the storm of never being “enough”, the storm of always trying to please others, the storm of anxiety, the storm of depression, the storm of trying to do it all and have it all…whatever storm you are facing this day. Stop. Let your life fade away in the glory that is His abiding love. Listen…listen…how faint the whisper we hear of Him. Listen. He longs to speak, to love you. 💕
Mylon & Broken Heart Lamb of God https://youtu.be/eKVOK00B6U4 An old song, but such beautiful worship.
