April 2, 2023
My yard is overrun. It truly amazes me that taking two years off yard care has created this mess of my yard. In the first two years after Ashley’s death, mowing our large yard was part of my grief therapy. Sweating and crying in 90+ degree weather is exhausting and strangely healing. So, yes, I mowed the yard. But that was all I did (gardening, too, but no actual yard care; Bill would occasionally weed eat.) After two years of minimal care, because grief just doesn’t leave a lot of energy for the unimportant, our yard became full of an abundant variety of weeds! But while I may have been too tired to cultivate my yard, God continues to cultivate the garden of my life…watering in the dry seasons, planting new seeds, fertilising when healthy growth is needed, and yes, allowing the weeds to grow when I need healthier soil…but He also pulls them up when they become too numerous and my focus needs to come back to Him.
And so today, as it was way past time to mow, I tackled it. And I thought how my life has been so full of weeds lately…it is coming up on Easter (Easter Sunday is April 9th this year, and April 21st, Ashley’s actual death date), and I feel the grief and burden of memory; my Dad is facing cancer yet again; Mom was very ill in the hospital the last ten days; Zach is having a procedure Tuesday; my sister and her husband in the Ukraine; and big decisions looming for me and Bill. Thursday, Dad was supposed to have surgery on a cancer near his eye. We got up at 4:00am to have him across town by 5:30, only to find out it had been cancelled, due to insurance issues. So many weeds in this season of life.
A friend recently asked me why I hadn’t been posting updates on my parents. My response? I was going to, but it just sounds too pitiful. (Also, as a nurse, HIPAA is so ingrained in me that I don’t like discussing medical details of my parents’ lives.) Sympathy is not what we need. But the weed analogy won out, and so I’m giving a broad update…while talking about weeds.
As I struggle with weeds in my yard and in my life, I decided to do a bit of research. Did you know that weeds can be good?! Among the benefits, they actually fix nutritional imbalances in the soil. So, as I think about the current weeds in my life…the things I don’t want, the things that hurt, the things that entwine in my life…well, maybe God is using them for my good and for His glory, to bring balance to my life. Truly, I’d rather not have all these weeds, but I will choose to continue to trust His plan.
Many of the weeds in my yard are deep and very difficult to pull up, which is certainly analogous to the weed of grief. It is so interwoven in my heart, in my mind, in my emotions. And grief can bring me to some unhealthy places and it can and does entangle itself in so many areas of my emotions. There is beauty in my grief, because there is great love for Ashley, and so I will continue to strive to see the beauty and joy that is Ashley. But know that the weeds are a big part of that grief.
And as I mowed my yard and really looked at these weeds, I noticed gorgeous colors and exquisite designs and artistry in them…flowers. And it made me think of the beauty in my life. Seeing Mom & Dad together while she’s been so sick has been such a sweet blessing (Mom has been there for Dad through his many cancer diagnoses and treatments), but it has been a precious gift to see him caring for Mom the last few years and especially the last 12 days. I hate that they have gone through this, but I am inspired by their steadfast love for one another.
Even as we were at the surgical center and told his surgery was cancelled, his response was classic Dad (though it did take him about 30 seconds to get there! 😉 ): “Well, we know that in all things God works together for good to those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose; I guess Mom needs me more.”
And I had one other blessing that day. We didn’t leave the surgical center until 6:40…prime Houston traffic time. I’ve never liked traffic, but since Ashley’s death, it causes extreme anxiety and stress, and so I was dreading the two hour (traffic!) back across town. As I’m navigating with my phone, I get on some kind of HOV lane, which completely bypassed all the traffic, and eventually forced me off in downtown Houston. Downtown?! Yep, more anxiety! Again, my phone took me straight through with very little traffic and on to the next freeway, which had normal flow of traffic. I told Dad, “If I didn’t know better, I’d think God built that one late this morning, just for me…never experienced anything like that!” It was a sweet spot in a stressful morning; an unexpected flower in what I expected to be a very ugly traffic weed.
I hope you will see the beauty in the unforeseen weeds in your life. Sometimes God has a greater purpose for those things that we really don’t want. I pray you (and I) will look for the deeper meaning and trust God with those things that can be so overwhelming in this life. Look past the stress of the weeds to their intricate beauty.
There is also a picture of my yard after mowing. Because you can’t see most of the weeds, it doesn’t look too bad. It’s green and looks, from a distance, like mostly grass. It’s a reminder to me that we don’t always see below the surface of others. What are dealing with today? They may look perfect, but below the surface, what weeds are they hiding? We all have weeds that we’re dealing with. Be kind. Be compassionate. Share the burdens. And help each other find the beauty in the weeds, and help us pull them up if needed.
I pray we will see the flowers blooming through the weeds. I somehow didn’t get a picture of dandelions, but I adore them. Since childhood, they have held such whimsy and magic…little fairy plants that carried on the wind my deepest wishes. And yes, there are plenty of them in my yard.
There is beauty all around us…even in weeds. Only God can redeem the ugliness of weeds to something truly beautiful. I continue to trust His power to redeem all of the ugliness for something so stunningly rich and deep and captivating that only He could have created.
I’m not a gardener, so some of these may not be classified as “weeds”, but they have grown up in my yard and I didn’t plant them. In fact, I know at least one of them is a wildflower.
(Dad’s surgery has not yet been rescheduled; as of 3/31, Mom is home and doing so much better. She has Dad and Zach there to help her, Cindi and I stop by when we are able, and Rhonda and Mark will be here in a few weeks for a brief visit. Thank you for the many continued prayers for each of us.)
