March 21, 2021
23 months…
100 weeks…
700 days…
Since Ashley left me. Every day, I wonder how I’m still here. How does anyone survive such grief and loss?! Although my heart feels like it is broken in a million pieces…although I know Ashley took a part of it with her when she left…it continues to function and to beat. In fact, it has continued to beat over 80,000,000 times during her absence. How. Is. That. Possible?!
I have missed her with each and every beat. I have missed her smile and her laughter…everything about her. One of the things I miss the most is saying her name…Ashley. Ashley. I often say it just to hear it…sometimes whispered, sometimes screamed. It is a sweet gift when I get to say it to an actual person, out loud, and no one will look at me like I’m crazy. At work, at a restaurant, or checking out in a store. It makes me smile to say it out loud.
Sadly, people don’t say her name to me, which I understand. It’s not like you can ask: “How’s Ashley?” or “Where is Ashley working now?” or “Did Ashley get into PA school?” or “How’s Ashley’s shoulder?” or “Is Ashley dating someone?” So, I really do get it. It can be awkward…never for me, but for the person bringing up her beloved name.
Recently, I met a beautiful young woman (with an equally beautiful soul!) who joined a family that I have known for many years. A few days ago, she said: “Tell me about Ashley.” Oh, my heart was so happy!!! She told me later that she wasn’t sure if she should ask. I told her to always ask!! A Mother always…always…always wants to know that her child is remembered, that someone is thinking of her, that someone else recognises that she was here, that she did live. It’s not the words that matter, but just the word “Ashley” somewhere in that sentence…the acknowledgement…the remembrance. Yes, I might cry (though much less often!), but I promise you that your saying Ashley’s name did not suddenly make me remember her and that she is gone. Ashley is never far from my mind, and the loss of her is never gone from me. At two years, many people think I should somehow be over the loss of my daughter. Let me just tell you that that does not happen. Grief for a child continues, I suspect for as long as my life on this earth lasts. It changes, but her absence is always felt, with every beat of my heart.
Ashley’s joy and laughter will always be remembered by me. It helps to know that others remember her, and know that my grief is lessened, even if only for a moment, when you speak her name. Ashley. Sweet Ashley. 💕
