The Unexpected July 20, 2019
The unexpected. The last 90 days have had many unexpected moments, starting with finding Ashley and her subsequent death. Since then, so many unexpected moments of catching my breath…again. Of heartbreak…again. Of brokenness…again. Of pain…again. Of joy…again.
Moments. Memories. Unexpected.
Things you never think about, until your child is gone: using the last of the detergent we bought when shopping for apartment supplies with Ashley. She had used that detergent, had touched it. I brought it home…after…and used it…had used it up; it was gone. Like her. That small piece of connection…I was throwing it away. How could I just throw it away?! Standing there broken and in tears again. Same thing with makeup and kitchen sponges and shampoo and shaving cream and food. I have held onto them and I use them because they were hers. Because she used them, she touched them, they were hers, and by extension, a part of her. But then, they are gone…consumables, thus consumed. I can easily see how I could become a hoarder. But I have let them go. Piece…by piece…by piece. It is a small part of continuing to let her go. Ashley is a part of my heart; no matter what “things” of hers may slowly leave my life, she is forever connected to me, and we will always retain that connection. A Mom and her child…my daughter…carried beneath my heart for nine months, hearing my heart beat for her for nine months…feeling her life wishing mine. Mom and child…a transcendent connection. No matter that we are separated by time and space. It is just the space of a breath, and that beautiful connection will be completely restored. How I long for that day.
Today at lunch, again, the unexpectedness of a moment. Catching me off guard…again. Beauty and joy and light…in the form of a precious little girl dancing down the aisle in her leotard and tutu. That was Ashley…dancing in her tutu (pink, not black), embracing the joy of life, and of dance, and of happiness, and of being a girl. I could not stop the tears. Again, that razor’s edge of bittersweet. Such sweet, sweet memories of my beautiful sunshine and the joy I remember. I can see her so clearly in my head. The bitter edge that that light is no longer on this earth with me and that I will never get to see Ashley’s beautiful daughter dancing with joy and love and life in a pink tutu! Bill was with me, and though I tried to hide the tears, he saw, and knew immediately why I was crying. Because we share those sweet memories of our beloved baby girl. Cherished. Memories. Unencumbered joy. Dancing. Light. This is my Ashley.
So, I remember. God’s faithfulness. Even when my own eyes could not see, God was there. I remember His faithfulness…always. And I will continue to think about His goodness…His goodness. Not always easy. But He is faithful, and will always be faithful. It is who He is. Remembering His goodness on the journey with Ashley! Grateful Ashley was mine…remembering the sweet, sweet memories of her joyful life!
Lauren Daigle – Remember
Pics of Ashley and little girl in tutu
