July 11, 2020
Recently, I have been rather consumed with “looking” for Ashley, and rather upset with God for not answering the multitude of prayers I have laid at His feet. I do believe that Ashley sends me “love notes” in the form of butterflies and heart clouds and dragonflies and other little ways. But it wasn’t enough. Because I knew…I know…if I had died and left Ashley here, I would have found many ways to let her (and Zach, and Bill) know that I love her and I’m still with her. If you haven’t known great grief, this may seem rather ridiculous. If you have known heart-rending grief, then you likely know what I’m talking about. So, I found myself praying and looking for these “love notes”, for dreams, anything to hear from Ashley. Because the truth is, 447 days without my daughter is 447 days too many…447 days of going through the motions of this life. And I was becoming so dismayed by the silence.
So, let me go back. After Ashley’s death, I discovered an amazing author…Ken Gire. He has a beautiful gift of speaking right to my heart, as if he has somehow read my thoughts. I have several of his books that I haven’t yet read, which had been set aside for several months. Recently, I looked for something to read, and found in my stack of books, The Divine Embrace. Written by, of course, Ken Gire. Because, again, God has given him this beautiful heart that speaks right to mine, and that’s what I needed.
The Divine Embrace is really a book based on a metaphor of dancing with Jesus. It is beautiful. Ken is asking me to imagine that Jesus himself wants to dance with me…that He taps me on the shoulder, speaks my name, and asks me to dance! Can you imagine it? And, yet, I can! “The Christian life is about intimacy, not technique…He wants us to feel the music, fall into His arms, and follow His lead.”
I’m not a good dancer, but I love to dance when I’m alone (now that secret is out!) But the thought of dancing with my Savior, with His voice in my ear…intimate, beautiful. I don’t know the steps to this dance…this is a place so very unfamiliar. But He is holding me in His loving embrace, and guiding my steps. He lets me learn as I go, leading every graceful move, often painful as I step on His toes, or try to lead the dance my way.
For me, there was a revelation as I read this: it is about falling in love with Jesus again. I’ve been looking at the wrong things…taking my eyes off of Him. It’s not wrong for me to want these signs from Ashley…it’s just not the most important thing. It is what my broken heart longs for, will always long for…my daughter…Ashley, but it is not what my soul needs. My soul needs my Savior, focused on Him.
In January, God gave me this Scripture: “But my eyes are fixed on You, Sovereign Lord; in You I take refuge.” (Ps. 141:8), and Hebrews 12:2 – “Let us fix our eyes on Jesus.” Yes, I have been doing that. But without the component of having love as my priority, my vision has been clouded. You know how sometimes you’re talking with someone, and notice them looking beyond you at other things or people? That was me: looking at my Savior, but looking over His shoulder for Ashley. It’s hard to stay in step in a dance when you’re not focused on the one leading the dance. So my eyes were not consistently and lovingly fixed on Him, that I can see His love and compassion shining through, that I can hear His voice. Jesus said it himself: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment.” He told us…it’s right there. If we make this our first goal, then we will surely see Him, and know Him who loved us first. What an amazing gift. As He has continued to try to gaze into my eyes, I have focused on the “other”…understandable, but not where my eyes should be. He continues to wait for me to gaze into the love that is right in front of me.
It’s so difficult in this life…this world. No matter what you or I are dealing with today, this world is a constant bombardment of “other”! That can be so very many things: a spouse, our children, COVID, a job, money, friends, our house, worries, illness, ambitions, clothes, TV. Seriously, that list could just go on and on. Often, for me, the “other” that takes my eyes off of Jesus and keeps me from focusing on His love is just whatever the day happens to bring, and every day is different. It still takes so much energy for me to get through each day, so getting that next task done takes great effort, and sometimes that task is all I can focus on…until I get to the next task…and the next…. Checking off my to-do list brings order to my life, and I still need that, but it becomes about completing my tasks rather than seeing God’s love around me and for me, and seeking to love Him (and others!) in those tasks.
Does “my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God” (Ps. 84:2)? In the midst of the anger, hurt, hatred and fear in this world, I pray that you and I will lead the way as Jesus would…in love. That you would join me as I cry to God, to Him who loves us, who created us with our beautiful, unique differences and our individuality…to draw us to Him, to repentance.I pray your heart longs for His abiding presence, and His love. I pray that you would place your hand in His…the very Creator of the dance! For you are loved! 💕
The Dance, by Gayla
The music calls to me, a tune familiar, yet unsure
Beautiful…my heart somehow knows this song.
Music so freeing, my soul feels each note.
Longing to step out and dance with no fear.
Music…a story…unlike anything imagined.
Yet, underneath the perfect melody, there whispers unwelcome, discordant notes…
Uncertainty, fear…
The steps unknown, the rhythm syncopated.
Across the room…His gaze seeks mine. For a moment, there is no one else…all fades away.
He moves toward me, so graceful. I know to dance with Him would be magical, a world unknown. He will surely never notice me.
But He does…He extends His hand…to me…He calls my name…He knows my name!!! And He has asked me…me…to dance!
Oh how my heart soars…then plummets. For I do not know this dance, the music so full of emotion, frightens me, and I look away…for an escape.
He gently takes my hand…assures me that He will lead. All that I need…is Him.
And so I place my hand in His…trusting that He will calm the panic that rises to overtake me in this dance of the unknown.
Yet…as I lock my eyes on Him, fixing my gaze to His, the steps seem to flow from my feet…so effortlessly, so eloquently, so gracefully. In time to the music, in perfect rhythm to His steps.
For He does know the song, and as I come to learn more of Him…He is the composer of the music, the lyricist of the words, the very Creator of the dance.
And if I take my eyes off of His, may it be to rest my head on His chest…listening for His heartbeat, the heartbeat I know so well…the beat of love.
As so I hold tight to His hands, looking into His eyes, feeling such love and compassion vibrating through my very soul, knowing that He will lead…no matter the next step, no matter the next turn…the music surrounds me and His love becomes the very beat of my heart…as we dance. 💕
