August 21, 2019
I am headed out tomorrow on a grief journey. For the past two and a half months, I’ve tried to leave. Oklahoma was my destination of choice…family (looootttttss of family 😍), friends. I have the sweetest aunt and uncle who lost their son a year ago, and I thought it would be perhaps a time of healing and strength for both of us.
BUT GOD…
Every time I tried to leave, something came up, and it didn’t happen. About three and a half weeks ago, I was finally able to order Ashley’s urn. Dear God, that is just so difficult to say. I have looked at urns since shortly after she passed, but couldn’t find anything that was perfect to hold my beautiful Ashley. I finally found it, but then couldn’t bring myself to start the process of having it made. Just. Too. Much. It is that final acknowledgement that yes, Ashley is truly gone. I suspect it’s not really the “final”, as things come up often to remind me yet again that she is not here. Ashley is not a phone call away…or a text away…or a car ride away…or a plane ride away. She is gone. Until my days are done. That reality never goes away. It is always there, but still catches me by surprise. Grief is now embedded in my DNA, changing who I am.
Eventually, the day arrived when I could make that call. I was not ready, but God strengthened me for yet one more step on this journey. Yes. I could do this. Such an emotional day, but I did it. The urn was ordered.
Back to my journey. As I started planning for it, yet again…I realised that Oklahoma was not to be my destination. As I continued to pray about it, I knew God was sending me in a different direction. So, tomorrow I leave for Colorado.
To pick up Ashley’s urn. I can’t say, “to complete this journey”, because this journey will last the rest of my life. A part of me is separated for the rest of my time on earth. And no, I will not heal. I will get better. I will learn to live this life without her. But as long as part of my heart is in heaven, my longing to be there will forever be a part of me.
When Ashley was young, we homeschooled her. Bill and I were self-employed, and so when time allowed, which was 3-5 times a year until she was about seven years old, we traveled to Colorado. For my heart, Ashley and Colorado will always be connected. I have no doubt that she will journey with me, and I will treasure each moment and each memory.
So this journey continues, on an unexpected path. And I recognise God’s hand in this, and trust His path for me. I recognise that had I gone to Oklahoma, I would have seen friends and family whom I love…and visits which are long overdue. But, I would not have the solitude which I so desire.
The realities of this world have begun to encroach back into my life, and oh, I am not ready for those realities. My grief is still so raw. Yet, I find myself hardening my heart so that I don’t cry, or make others uncomfortable. But my heart is telling me…I don’t want to be “separated from the life of God…due to the hardening of my heart, and to losing that sensitivity” (Ephesians 4:18-19). This journey must be completed as I feel God is ordaining it. And I “pray that out of His glorious riches, He would strengthen me with power through His Spirit in my soul, so that Christ may dwell in my heart; that I would be rooted and established in love, so that I would grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and that I would know His love, and be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Because it is God, who is able to do immeasurably (I love that word!) more than I could ask or imagine, and it is Christ who receives all the glory!” (Ephesians 3:16-21).
So I will go. And trust that He will lead me, as He has throughout my life, throughout these last four months (today is four months since Ashley moved to heaven).
If God brings me to mind, please say a prayer for me: I have not received clear direction from Him in several areas, and need to clearly hear Him. Mainly, work. I’m not ready…don’t know that I’ll ever be ready. I cannot express how amazing my NICU family is, how blessed I have been by them, and how truly grateful I am for each precious friend. The hard part is that I cannot break the association of Ashley with my NICU. Her presence to me is so strong there. In my mind, I so vividly see her walking towards me, her beautiful smile…so happy and joyful to see me. For now, it’s a painful memory, and I don’t think I can face it for 12 hours. So, what am I to do?! Second, I will be starting something in Ashley’s memory, but none of my ideas seem to be just right. It is a joyful challenge, but heavy on my heart. Third, maybe some writing.
I’m looking forward to this drive through God’s amazing creation, and this beautiful part of America. I’m looking forward to a visit at the start of my journey with my sister-in-law Nancy. I’m looking forward to uninterrupted time with my Savior, seeking Him, hearing His voice. I’m counting on God’s promise of Matthew 5:4, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” He has been my Comforter, and I trust Him to continue to be my loving Comforter.
Thank you for faithfully praying for me, for your love and encouragement. I am humbled by your love, and God’s gracious kindness.
Just as the rainbow is a promise of God’s love, so it is a promise to me of His faithfulness. The other pictures are from this journey.
