January 12, 2022
Let me start by saying that the honest truth of this journey has despair and depression and anxiety. Yes, even at 2.7 years. Although I sometimes touch on it in my posts, I rarely give you the full picture.
Why is that? Well, because I don’t know how much “truth” people can handle and still keep reading. Nothing I write is false, but I tend to downplay the darker parts of this journey. Why? Numerous reasons…I don’t want to open myself up to someone preaching at me, I don’t ever want to be a stumbling block to someone else, I don’t want to disappoint others. And, I suppose there’s some truth in just not wanting to be that transparent, to tell you the darker parts of me.
My faith and trust in God are a deep part of me, and so there’s certainly a voice in my head telling me that God is big enough to deal with my despair, my depression, my self-pity, my darker thoughts. And the easy and quick answer is: Yes, He is. If He were not with me every step of this journey, I can guarantee you that I would have given in to my deep longings to be with Ashley at any cost. At…ANY…cost!!
The Bible says that I am not “to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope” (I Thessalonians 4:13). And I believe my faith in God and His promises, such as I Thess. 4:17, which says we will “be with the Lord forever” are what keep me from going to a place of no hope. If you think I should not ever be in a dark place because I am a Christian and have God’s wonderful promises, let me remind you of some of the great ones in the Bible who did suffer with depression. Just as God pulled David out of his despair, He has pulled me back from that dark pit. I love the Bible for many reasons, but one of them is because it is so honest. God tells us not only the amazing strengths of the men and women He used to tell Christ’s story, but also tells us of their weaknesses and their struggles. There are quite a few who dealt with depression…hopelessness. David (Psalm 6:3,6; 13:1-2; 22:1-2; 25:17 – these are just a few!!), Jonah (Jonah 4:3), Job (Job 3:11, Job 30:15-17), Jeremiah (Jer. 20:18). And so I know that I am not alone…that God understands the darker side of this journey…the darker side of me and of my heart. God was with them in those dark times…He is with me…He is with you!
I especially love David’s tender heart. Usually, after pouring out his heart to God, he would do the thing which he likely did not feel like doing: praise God, tell God of his trust in Him, and remind himself that God was with him no matter what he faced…or felt! He is a beautiful example of what to do when facing depression. There’s a reason David was called a “man after God’s heart.” Of course, depression is felt my many, not just those who are grieving.
Do you know why I write these posts? First, I write for me…a place where I can put down everything in my head and my heart. I write because I have to. But posting? I only post about a third of what I write. So, why do I post? Again, many reasons. But one of the main ones is that I want others to understand what deep grief is like…I want to build empathy in you so that you can give empathy and love to others who are on this journey. Yes, it’s my perspective and I have to point out that each grief journey is different. But a deep loss has some places that are felt by each of us, a commonality of grief. The depth and intensity may differ, the amount of time we spend in a particular emotional space may differ. They differ because we are each unique, our losses are unique, our relationships are/were unique. Everything we bring with us on this grief journey is uniquely ours. But the deep pain and agony…to one degree or another, grieving mothers all share that broken space. And if you haven’t experienced this great grief, then thank God that you haven’t. But I want to build empathy in others so that when someone you know and love is walking this dark road, you will have some idea of what they may be going through. And I want grief to be able to be talked about, out in the open, not taboo, no guilt for the griever. This is why I post.
So, let’s talk about the dark places…the places no one wants to go…the places we all pretend don’t exist. Depression. Anxiety. Suicide. I will post more on that last one soon. For now, just know that many (I do not speak for all Mom’s, but most I have spoken with have admitted to this) Mom’s who have lost a child at least think of suicide at some point. It is there and it is a reality. In most of my postings, I choose not to focus on this darker side. But if I ignore it completely, I would be remiss in truly telling you of my grief journey. I don’t want to dwell so much on the dark that I, or you, lose sight of “Christ in me, the hope of glory…the light of the world.” For now, know that it is there, and perhaps I will be brave enough to post on this one later.
But the others…depression and anxiety. Yes. I do want to talk about them.
For me, I haven’t had a huge issue with depression. It comes, more often than I’d like, but rarely stays more than a day or two. Usually it is remorse and regrets that lead me down this road…the “what if’s”, the “if only’s”, the wishes and dreams that hold only emptiness…focusing on a past I cannot change. No, I cannot change the past, but God is still working to redeem that past. I work to leave the past in the past, to not dwell in it. But Ashley? I could never leave her behind. She is forever with me; I carry her into the future with every step that I take. So, yes…depression hits…not as often as the early days, but there are still days that exhaustion overtakes me and I weep throughout the day and I just want to stay curled up with Max; dark thoughts and memories invade my mind, and I feel that they will never go away. For me, I don’t allow it to stay. But some Mom’s battle depression on a deep and dark level. I think there are several reasons depression hasn’t consumed me: 1) that’s just not the way my personality leans; 2) I’m in God’s Word every day, and yes, it definitely has helped, and continues to help, pull me out of that pit of despair. God lives in me and so I do feel His love and compassion; 3) Prayers…my own and others. I know that people have prayed, and continue to pray for me…God honors their prayers on my behalf…I’m so blessed to have so many people who intercede for me; 4) God promises me He will never leave me or forsake me, and He hasn’t. In my darker moments, He usually leads me to a Scripture, a song, someone else’s writings, or even a text.
The exquisite joy of sweet memories can suddenly and unexpectedly turn to exquisite pain. For some, it is a short stay in the “what if’s”. For others, it is an extended stay and very difficult to climb their way out of it. What can cause us to turn to this downward spiral? Innumerable things (this is a very partial list!): Unexpected words from someone else; seeing someone else’s post; a smell; something at the grocery store; a picture; a random thought; a piece of clothing; a song; a name; a butterfly; a bird; a sunset; a cloud…anything and everything, given the current state of my mind, of my relationships…well, I think you get the idea!
I think others often lose sight of the trauma associated with losing a child. For the parent, the trauma is very real…no matter the manner of their child’s death, and no matter how much time has passed. Losing a child is traumatic. For those who saw with their eyes, heard with their ears, experienced those moments…it is something that their senses can recall immediately, and I suspect will never forget. For those who weren’t present at their child’s death, but whose child died in a traumatic way, they didn’t need to be there for their minds to conjure up what happened to their child…trauma.
There are external responses to that trauma, which can include: depression, hopelessness, fear, anxiety, guilt, shame, denial, difficulty concentrating. There can also be physical manifestations, including: headaches, fatigue, digestive issues. (Medical News Today)
The other one: Anxiety. Some of the anxiety (and depression) are caused from PTSD. Trauma not dealt with or so overwhelming can turn into PTSD. For the first year and a half, this was me: panic attacks in traffic or crowds, hyperventilating, not being able to catch my breath, frequent choking. All caused by anxiety.
So what are you to do if you are the one suffering from depression or anxiety? If you don’t have someone to talk with, find a good therapist. I saw a wonderful one for about a year, and our time together definitely helped on this journey. Spend time in God’s Word, especially the Psalms. I’ve spent time in different books of the Bible at different stages of this journey. Early on, I came to Job. Barely had I started the first chapter than I had to close my Bible…could not read it. Later, there came a day when I was ready and could not read it fast enough. The last book of the Bible…Revelations was the same. I have read hundreds of other books. Very few have been truly helpful, but a few have spoken to me deeply (Bearing the Unbearable comes to mind, as does Heaven). If you can go to church, then go! I could rarely go the first year…too many memories of Ashley and too many tears. I still have times I can’t go, but I’m always blessed when I do! Get outside in nature. God’s creation brings healing…go for a walk, plant a garden, just plant something and nurture it. Get a pet if you don’t have one.
To the grieving parent, I would say: Don’t let the moments hold you; instead, hold the moments…with peace, with faith, with hope, with strength, with mercy, with grace, with love, with space.
If you are reading this and are a friend of someone experiencing deep grief, here are some thoughts (and know that I recognise this is very difficult for many…observing grief is hard. Just know you are not there to “fix” us or our grief…just to be a friend): Many of us want to be alone (see Anxiety above). But that’s not always so great for our mental health. So, come over. Bring lunch, bring dinner, bring coffee…and then stay and visit! Or just bring you…doesn’t have to include food! Bring plants and if there’s a place, get your friend outside to plant them. Come over and go for a walk. Be prepared to listen, be prepared to sit in silence. Be persistent in your friendship. She needs friends now more than ever. She needs friends who will still be around one year later…two years later…five years later. You get the point. The grief for you is mostly gone…the trauma and grief for your friend lives on in her life. Don’t rush her to “move on” or “get over it”. That does not happen. Check in with us. Don’t just ask: “How are you?” I hated that question. Ask things like: Where are your emotions today? What are you struggling with? What do you want to talk about? What can I help you with? Do you want to talk about Ashley (put their child’s name here)? Can I share a memory I have about Ashley? Do you need help going through Ashley’s things? I can’t understand your deep grief, but I’m here to love and support you. And then…listen.
Song: Remember by Lauren Daigle
Note: I know the loss of a spouse or a parent can be devastating, but my husband and my parents are still with me. I can only speak of my experience of the loss of my child. It does not mean I don’t see your loss as deep and devastating…only that my life experience does not encompass that loss. I do not mean in any way to minimize your loss as “less than” mine. But that is not my story to tell. So forgive me if you feel I do not honor and give weight to your deep and abiding loss.
