December 14, 2019
Grief and gratitude…together. They can be intertwined and for a grieving parent, usually are intertwined…one joining the other, interlaced in an odd dance that we could have never imagined. Distinct, yet in grief…often different emotions and forces that are brought together. One overriding the other, often coexisting at the same time.
I have such gratitude that I got to be Ashley’s mom on this earth for almost 27 years. (I’m also grateful that I am Zach’s mom for 20+ years and counting.) Ashley made me a Mom; my heart beat for her and still does. But our hearts are now separated…apart…and yes, it causes such great grief, such pain. Intense. Overriding everything else.
I am so grateful that I held her in the moment when I believe she left this world. Yet, I have such enormous grief that she did leave this world. I’m grateful that I was there at the beginning of her life, and at the end of her life. Grateful and joyful for the beginning of Ashley’s life…grief for the ending of Ashley’s life.
My heart is grateful that she is no longer in pain, that she no longer struggles in this life, that she is living life in perfect peace and yes, joy. I grieve that I don’t get to see her continue to make her mark in this world…to be the woman I knew she would become, was becoming.
I have such gratitude that Ashley is with her Creator and Savior…He who loves her more than even this Mama bear heart. I grieve that she will not find that love of a good man, a man who would have adored her for all that she brought to this life…her joy, her strength, her laughter, her wisdom, her intelligence, her distinct appreciation of right and wrong, her sass, her kindness, her compassion, her beauty, her perceptive BS meter, her love of teaching (swimming, especially, but she loved to teach and share whatever she had just learned or read), her inability to suffer fools….all those precious pieces that together make Ashley. But, yes, grief that she did not find that man, that there will not be grand babies. That grief…well, it brings me back to gratefulness that I got to see all of that Ashleyness up close, almost every day. I had the best seat in the house. Wow! Such a gift! What makes your child(ren) special? For me…and for Ashley…look and truly appreciate all those idiosyncrasies that make your child unique.
In this season of Thanksgiving (I wrote this on Thanksgiving, and continue to write a lot, but rarely post what I’m writing these days) and Christmas, yes…it is hard, oh so very hard. Both gratitude and grief woven together, coexisting. God, in His great mercy, continues to walk this path with me…to hold me on days when I still want to crawl under my covers and just. Stop. Stop all of this soul-crushing pain, this heartache that feels like too much for one soul to bear. But my Savior is there, to comfort me, to take the pain of that moment, to bring me a Scripture, or an unexpected and overriding peace, or even another Mama who is years into this journey. To bring…hope.
Hope. So much of this season is centered around hope The hopes of a child for that new toy, the hope of seeing Santa or Rudolph, all the hope that is in this magical season. Hope for grieving Mamas…hope that we will one day see our babies again…because of the birth of a Baby so many years ago…Jesus. My heart lingers in that hope, in that faith, in that love…in that name…Jesus.
So yes, I continue to grieve. No idea how long this heaviness will reside with me. But I want you to know that when you perceive that grief in me, there is a thankful, grateful heart residing just under the surface of that obvious grief…sometimes even reaching thee surface…sometimes even enough to outshine the grief. This season is hard. Be patient with me as I struggle with the memories of past joyful Christmas times and the recognition that on this side of heaven…Ashley is no longer a part of the memories that continue to be made, though her name is spoken. Sweet memories of Ashley are ever with me, and her presence is here. Her absence is felt. Every moment…every day. Until the moment I leave to join her. As much as I loved Christmas, as much as Ashley loved Christmas. I will always struggle with her absence, and will do what I must do to get through.
I am grateful for family and friends who hold my hand and support me as I walk this journey.
But know that for me…in the midst of my grief…I am thankful for a past with Ashley, and for a future that continues with Zach, with Bill, with my family, with Max, and a one-day future in heaven with each of them. To never be separated again. And for that, I am truly…truly…grateful. Even if you don’t see it in me…it is there.
