July 29, 2019
I’m in a perpetual place of no time. Time as I knew it no longer exists. And yet, it persists. Continually marching on. Never mind that I want all time to stop. To cease. As of April 19th. Two days before Ashley left this world. Tow days before my life did a complete turn down a path I never expected. None of us ever expects to br on this path. Living out life without our beloved. Oh, how it hurts.
Grief continues to assail me and pound my heart. But there is a sacredness to this grief. An unexpected moment. Of holiness. Of grace. Of a place unexpected. Of a journey unexpected. Of a place to be still. To listen for my Savior. At His feet. In His presence. Waiting…for Him.
This afternoon I ended up at my church, Houston’s First Baptist, in the chapel, where we had Ashley’s service. Grief unexpected. I should have known better. But I was here (waiting for Zach), and wanted a space of peace, and quiet, a thinking space….the chapel. The last time I was here…was the last time I saw Ashley. And that’s what I see as I sit here. A coffin. Her coffin…Ashley , but oh, not. Her. And I am assailed by the injustice that she is gone, by the grief that completely envelops me again. But as I go to my knees and look up, there it is. The cross. Actually, where I sit there are two – one outside the window and one on the wall. And that’s where I end up…at the cross,, at the. Feet of Jesus, who holds me in my pain, who knows my tears and holds them in a bottle. Jesus, my Redeemer. And in the quiet of the chapel, and the hymns I have playing, and the memories of Ashley here, and of her service…I feel Him, His love, His compassion. And I am once more ready to face this day and the next and the next. With my sweet Zach and my Bill…in the space and time in which we are now living.
Tomorrow is 100 days without Ashley. 100 days! How is that possible?! I still cannot believe that she is gone and I struggle. Every day. Some more than others. But my Jesus is always here to love me, to show me something, or to whisper in my heart that He is always with me. And that Ashley is with Him!!
If I knew the date of my death, I’d mark off each day as being one day closer to being reunited with Ashley. But the only date I know for sure is her date of death, and so I mark time by how many days I no longer have her here with me. But really, instead of being 99 days without Ashley, it means that I’m 99 days closer to holding Ashley and seeing my Jesus face to face. And that is a beautiful thought…when time and distance will be forgotten…eternity.
This is another song from Ashley’s service. My beautiful niece, Lindsay Blessing, sang this at her service. Thank you, Lindsay.
