April 1, 2021
Many years ago (2002ish?), my Sunday School friends at church worked with me to deliver around 250 Easter bags to Texas Children’s Hospital. Ashley was a help to her Mama, and she loved the experience of giving!
Fast forward to 2013 when I was working at Memorial Hermann. We decided to again do Easter baskets. This time, Ashley was a huge help and we so enjoyed making them together, and shopping together! I didn’t know it was a memory I would need, but I do…and I’m so thankful for the memory…so thankful for Ashley!
Fast forward again to 2021 when I now struggle with Easter. Don’t get me wrong…I still love Easter; it represents so much to me. It is because of the very meaning…Christ rising from the dead (as a Christian, I think I sometimes lose sight of the miraculousness of that statement: Jesus Christ rose from the dead!!!)…that gives me the assurance that Ashley is in heaven, and that my salvation is secured and I will one day see that beloved face again.
But I struggle. How can I not?! There’s a part of me that finds joy in knowing that Ashley was resurrected to Jesus’ arms on Easter…Resurrection Sunday. But a part of me that is still filled with so much pain at her absence, and emotional pain of the memories of that weekend.
So as this Easter approaches, I’ve spent much time in prayer and thought. How can I honor Ashley? Well, there’s the Easter basket memories we shared…maybe. Really, I didn’t know if I would have the strength to take on such an emotionally charged task. About three weeks ago, I started shopping. Buying things here and there…just in case I decided to do this thing. As I wandered the aisles of Hobby Lobby, everything reminded me of Ashley and I cried through much of the store.
Three days ago, as my room overflowed with Easter things, I knew the baskets had to be made. It was time. I missed Ashley’s help and her input, and holding the ribbon for me so I could tie the bow. I missed her beautiful smile. I missed our chatting about life as we worked together. I cried and I spoke with her, and I felt that she was content with my honoring her in this way.
Let me explain “Ashley’s Legacy”. When Ashley died, many people gave us money, and I haven’t had a clue what to do with it…until now. If you were one of those who gave, thank you. This is part of what the money was used for. I don’t know if I will do it again or if this is a one-time thing. But know that not a day goes by without my thinking…what am I going to do with Ashley’s money?!
As I made the baskets, I realised that the families will hopefully be blessed. But it won’t change anything. They will still be in our NICU praying that their baby is home soon, and trusting us to care for them. In a year, they may think back on their NICU stay, but probably won’t remember the Easter baskets. And that’s ok. It’s about giving them a blessing in this moment. But me? Well, yes, I will always remember this as my first hospital Easter baskets without Ashley, and the first Easter baskets provided by Ashley’s Legacy. Sometimes in doing things for others, it is we who are changed.
And if you’re curious about “a butterfly paradigm”…it is my way of thinking about Ashley. She left this world, knowing only what we see here, as a caterpillar only sees the ground and plants he crawls upon. She is now changed, just as the caterpillar changes to a butterfly. We won’t be all that we were created to be until we are perfected in heaven. And a paradigm is a model…a way of looking at something. The caterpillar’s transformation to a butterfly is my way looking at life…recognising the beauty of Ashley, while trusting God to create that transformation in me. I won’t be fully alive until I’m in heaven. But while I’m here, I’m praying to be more like Christ each day on this earth, and to continue to look up. Until I’m home…resurrected with my Savior, and with Ashley. Forever.
He is risen! 💕 🦋
