October 11, 2020
I feel her absence in every beat of my heart. I feel her absence when I look at her picture and long to touch that precious face. I feel her absence in the darkness of night, in the first light of dawn, and the waking moments in between. I feel her absence when I’m working in the silence of gardening or listening to her playlist with the chickens. I feel her absence when I walk by the closed door of her room. I feel her absence when I see Reese’s candy. I feel her absence when I see her friends are having babies or getting married, and she is not here with them. I feel her absence in so many songs. I feel her absence when I long to text her or call her…or to get a text or call from her. I feel her absence when I am shopping and see something she liked or would have liked. I feel her absence in Christmas and Thanksgiving and Easter, and all the days and moments and seasons in between. I feel her absence a thousand times a day, in big ways and small. She is everywhere…yet she is not here.
Her absence is not just a feeling…it is a part of my very being. Of my tears. Of my heart, of my every thought, of my actions, of my pain, of the moments of laughter, of the feelings of guilt, of the thankfulness that I had her, of the memories that are ever present, yet so far away.
The old cliché is not true…Ashley’s absence does not make my heart grow fonder, for how can a Mother’s love for her child ever increase? Yet…it causes my very being to pulse with the desire to see her again, to embrace this child of my heart and my body. This child who grew within me, just beneath my heart, capturing it forever and always…my heart could never love her or grow fonder than it does in each moment of this present time and space. For there is no time or space on this earth where Ashley is. And I remind myself that it is only here where we suffer the pain of absence.
But my memories…do they grow fonder? Most definitely. Everything I have of hers grows fonder to me because there will not be another. So I hold tightly, sometimes too tightly, to those things. Because they are just that…things. But oh, each of those “things” has an attachment to her, and since I could not hold onto her…I hold onto them. Maybe one day my grip will loosen…but not today…not yet. Because while she is absent, these things are here for me to touch, to hold, to wear, to read, to smell. Beautiful reminders of Ashley that my senses can still embrace.
Remember in school when attendance was taken, and the teacher called your name and you’d say, “Present”? And if you didn’t say “Present”, then you were marked “Absent”. So, every day, my heart calls, “Ashley Giffen?”, “Ashley Giffen?” And there is…silence. For she is absent from this life. But in heaven?! Oh, in heaven, she is as present as she ever was here with me. And that presence is for all eternity, and in His presence, she is fully experiencing light and peace and life and joy everlasting. So for now, when they call my name in heaven, I am marked “Absent”. But one day, yes, sweet Jesus, one day, we will both br marked “Present”. For we were bought at a great price, redeemed by Jesus, the Son of God, the author of Ashley’s life and of my life…and of your life! I love and hold tightly to the Scripture that says: “We are confident…and would prefer to be at home with the Lord”…present with Him! My citizenship is in heaven, and I’m just passing through here for a while. Ashley is already there, she went before me and is “present”, and this state of absence between us is temporary!
When your last day on this earth is done, and your name is called for the last time in heaven, will you be “Present” or “Absent”. Oh, how I pray you will be present with me and with Ashley in our forever home where there will be no more death, no more tears, no more sickness, no more separation…no more absence! Joy forever: In His presence…with my beloved Savior…with my beloved Ashley! 💕
FYI: Ashley and I had different musical tastes, but she really liked this song, which was on the playlist I had before she died. Couldn’t listen to it for over a year after her death, but it makes me smile (most days) when I hear it now. 💕
