Welcome to Gayla’s Life, a place where I hope we can visit, a place where I can share my thoughts and what God is teaching me. This life has been quite a journey, and I hope you will journey it with me. On April 21, 2019 (Easter Sunday), this life I live changed forever, in ways unimaginable, in ways I could have never conceived. My beloved 26-year-old daughter, Ashley, died…unexpectedly. Since that date, I have struggled with how to live this life now…for it is a different life. Similar in some ways, yet vastly different in many others…mostly, it has changed me. Oh, I may look the same on the outside…but I am not the same me that woke up on April 20th, 2019. Perhaps you have also encountered a life-change in your journey…your child, your spouse, your parent…gone. There are many losses in this life…death, jobs, friends, homes, peace. That list could go on and on. From where I sit, nothing is more traumatic than losing a child, yet when the loss is yours…whatever major loss you have faced, in that moment, it is very real, very frightening, very life-changing, and something you just never dreamed you would face. This blog includes my thoughts and writings on grief, and those thoughts and emotions change from day to day…if you’re on this grief journey, you know it can change from minute to minute, and even second to second! So, it’s basically a screenshot of where I am at that specific moment in time!
What I have found on this new journey…is hope. Just so you know, I considered several other words before choosing “journey”. I thought about “chapter”, “life”, etc. It is definitely not a new chapter; that word doesn’t even begin to describe the change Ashley’s death caused. Considering the word “life”…well, it’s not a new life. This is the same life I was living, just…changed..vastly changed! So, journey is the word. Because whatever your loss, you are on a new journey; an unexpected journey which can take you down some dark roads, but also, hopefully, some roads of healing and peace. I have learned much about myself and about God, and even about Ashley. But, I’d give up any gains made to have her back. She was a wonderful daughter, my best friend, and I miss her every second of every minute of every day. The absence of her life colors almost everything in my life…everything on this journey.
For me, the only way to get through this new journey is Jesus. Yes, He is my foundation. And that…no, that hasn’t changed. He was my foundation before. But now, well, I would definitely say that my foundation was completely rocked by Ashley’s death. Was the foundation of Jesus strong enough to hold me up with my many questions, my many doubts, my many tantrums and anger? Yes. Some days, that foundation feels so much firmer than other days, but I’m going to be honest with you about this journey. Death of a child cannot (or at least should not) be sugar-coated into some glorious thing. There are days (actually, moments would be a more accurate word!) when it is glorious, because my faith is sure, and I know beyond a doubt where Ashley is. There are many days (more often than the glorious days!) where I struggle to accept that she is gone…just…gone. And then there are even more days when it takes all I have to make it through the day, to even get out of bed.
What do I post about? Well, so many things: obviously, I will post about Ashley…about her love for us, about her love of animals, about her beautiful blondeness, about her struggles, about pink (her favorite color), about all that made me love her, and all the ways that I miss her; I will post about Bill (my husband, my chef, my IT guy, my BBQ guy, my love); I will post about Zach (our beloved son); and I will post about Jesus, my Redeemer, my precious Savior, my hope of eternity. You will also see Max, my dog; my parents; my sisters; my extended family; my work family (I’m a NICU nurse); chickens (specifically Ethel, Lucy, Red, and Peggy Sue), butterflies, dragonflies, gardening, my church family, and anyone or anything else who crosses my path that provides some learning or remembering or stories. Of course, writing (mine and Ashley’s!), and reading…because I love to read! And MUSIC…lots and lots of music, for God uses it to inspire me, to encourage me, to lift me, and to bring me into His presence! These are posts about this journey through grief.
So, I hope you will come along on this journey with me, that you will find a place to perhaps find hope, or a place to share your struggles and burdens on this journey of loss. For the last two years, I have posted many of my thoughts on Facebook, and I may repost those with the dates so that you can see how this journey has progressed. It has taken more than two years to find the energy (and I have zero techy knowledge!) to get this started.
I hope that you will find me in the shadow of the cross, and at the feet of Jesus. If I can pray for you, please send me an email. Thank you for sharing in this journey with me. Know that I am praying with you and for you.
I look forward to getting to know you, and hearing your thoughts. Thank you for visiting Gayla’s Life.
