You Say
This post is difficult (and too long), and deeply revealing regarding Ashley’s life. It falls to me to be her voice, and that is a great responsibility because she would have made her mark on this world. As I’ve prayed about this, I’ve felt that I have her blessing, but have still green unsure. Finally, yesterday, I was able to unlock Ashley’s computer and found her testimony, which she had written in 2016. Eventually, she was going to share all of this, and I will post her words at a later time, because it is powerful, because her words and her life were, and still are, powerful! I am so proud of this woman, and I love her beyond words, and beyond this world! And, I love that God let me unlock her computer at just the right time to show me that she absolutely is ok with sharing this part of her journey, and the intense struggles of these past years!
So, You Say, by Lauren Daigle. Another song from Ashley’s service. An unusual choice. A few brave should have even asked why I chose this song. For a funeral! Who would select this song for a funeral?!
Music has always been powerful in my life, and it was in Ashley’s, as well. I spent countless hours, even days, deciding on music for her service; it was a great weight to represent her: my complicated, beautiful, effervescent Ashley. Everything was hoses with great care and prayer. So, why this song? Well, first, this song ministered to me; it was on my “Favorites” playlist before Ashley’s death. God says I am loved when I can’t feel anything, and that I’m strong when I feel so weak. Oh, how weak I have felt these last 103 days. This song…it is in Christ that I find my worth, in Him that I find my identity.
Second, there were a lot of young adult women at Ashley’s service. Our young women (and men) are bombarded by so much in movies, print, TV…everywhere…tole that they need to look a certain way, act a certain way, and that money/looks/men/fame is what will make you worthwhile to the world. My identity and self-worth come from what God has told me…about me. Ashley and I did not always agree on what was appropriate because of this culture in which she grew up. If Ashley were here today, this is what I feel she would say…this song…You Say. And so, I wanted each woman at her service to hear this truth: You are enough. God has created you…You are unique and special as He designed you.
Ashley always knew she was a beautiful woman. God gave her that gift, and yes, she knew it. But she was never vain about her beauty, and that beauty was never enough to overcome the self-doubt from other areas of her life. Her beauty was just…her, a opponent of who she was, who she is. BUT, and this is a big one, her self-esteem was tied up in what her boyfriend believed of her. I had this conversation with Ashley numerous times, after each boyfriend break-up: I told her to focus on herself and on her relationship with God; her identity was not what someone else said it was. Sometimes, she would do just that, and focus on her identity in Christ. But only for a while. Then, there would be a new boyfriend, or she would get back together with the last boyfriend, and again, that voice would be in her ear, in her head, in her heart. Not her Savior’s voice. Still makes me angry because she was exactly who God made her to be. She didn’t need to be anything different for anyone else! And she was enough. Enough kindness…enough strength…enough holiness…enough Godliness…enough intelligence…enough compassion…enough joy…enough heart…enough depth…enough beauty…enough laughter. Ashley was enough. And she was enough because of who she was in Jesus. But there was so much self-doubt in that beautiful soul. She was, in the last two years, finally recognising who she was in Christ, and recognising her worth (though it was up and down!) After several years of wandering in a desert, she was learning to believe what God said about her: that He loves her, that He created her for a beautiful purpose, and would make her paths straight. It remained a struggle, though.
Recently, we were shopping for apartment stuff, and she said, “(insert boyfriend’s name here) would never have let me get these things for the apartment.: Now, as we shopped for her, it was about her, not some man who wanted to make her into something she never was; it was just about Ashley. She was decorating her apartment with the things that would bring her joy, surrounding herself with things that she picked out, to bring her happiness. I love that she had that opportunity, even if only briefly. She was enough. YOU are enough.
I’m going to have to add a few side notes here. This is where the medical community failed my beautiful Ashley. With few exceptions (only her GP), she was not supported, no one tried to truly help her. One doctor even threw her under the bus, which had a big role in her attempted suicide. I believe this was one reason she so adamantly wanted to be a PA. She had seen the worst of what doctors had to offer; she wanted to offer something better: compassion, kindness, help, a listening ear!! Anyway, I took her to multiple shoulder specialists to try to get her a shoulder replacement. No one would do it; they said she was too young. I don’t know if that would have fixed the problem, but they were not offering any other solutions. NONE of her three surgeries fixed her shoulder, and due to a genetic condition, which we didn’t know about until after the second surgery, surgical repairs never were going to fix it. So, they just gave her pain meds, and then blamed her when she became addicted to them. I was her Mom…her nurse…her pharmacist…her advocate…her friend. I was not perfect, but she knew that I would always encourage her, and would not condemn her. She knew that I was a safe place. Though some people knew parts of the story, no one will ever know all that we went through during those two and a half years. But we both came out stronger, and more passionate about looking out for each other. No perfection here. Not Ashley, not me…look somewhere else for that…the only perfect one…Jesus!
In addition to the voices of men who didn’t truly value and love her, Ashley had gone through some extreme life difficulties over the last five years. I’ve prayed about what I’m sharing, and I think she would now be okay with it, though she wasn’t okay with me sharing before she died. These difficulties included multiple shoulder surgeries, an addiction to prescription pain meds, and a suicide attempt. Yes, you read that right. She didn’t want people to know those last two items. Sadly, mental health issues are still viewed as a taboo subject, that it’s a disease you might catch, the unmentionable dark secret that we want to keep pushed down as if it doesn’t exist. She looked at her addiction and suicide attempt as weaknesses, rather than the ultimate outcome of strength earned through battles of intense souls-struggles. Many will never understand that level of strength, of victory, of overcoming. I tried to get her to share her story…what she had gone through, but she was too embarrassed; I was not. It was a part of her story, her journey. We all make choices we regret and choices we would like to change. But that is what has made us who we are as humans. So fragile. So fallible. Fallen. Lost. Weak. Yet, strong…stronger than we can imagine. We suffer; we. Look for ways. To ease that suffering. Ashley always felt things deeply, and struggled with depression, and then physical pain. She was looking for an escape; and she found it…medications and suicide. After lots of therapy, and the two of us working together for almost two and a half years, she was no longer addicted to pain meds, and had overcome that addiction! That was over two years ago. I cannot tell you how difficult these years were, and yes, there were a few slip-ups along the way. There were many times I did not know if I could get through it, though I never said that to Ashley. I prayed often, praying for a miracle, for God to get us through the battle, day by day, not imagining anything worse. Surely, that was the worst. And yet, here we are in an even greater unimaginable reality,, something every parent fears, thinking about it from time to time, but never dwelling on the reality of the most impossible of possibilities…because…no, that just can’t happen to us! Our child cannot die. No. Just. Not. Possible. But…here I am…in this moment of extreme desperation and dependence on Jesus to get me through one more day. Forget one more day…He often has to get me through one more moment. Sadly, we are that reality of what we as parents all try to deny…that life is such a tender gift, and the eternal is just a heartbeat away. Yet we continue…life continues. Because we were created to live, and to live victoriously through Christ.
At the time of her death, Ashley was victorious. I chose that word with intent. Victorious! She had a dependence on, not an addiction to, opioids. Why? Because she was in chronic pain. And, it may surprise you to know, I was ok with her taking them, with the goal that eventually she would be off of them. I want you to know that Ashley and I worked so…very…hard…and she overcame!!! I was, and am, so incredibly proud of her and the work that she did to fight that addiction and the demons in her life. She was tender. Compassionate. Strong. Fragile. Hopeful. Joyful. Imperfect. Weak. Strong. Independent, yet dependent. Like each of us. Beautiful from every possible angle. Imperfectly perfect…a struggle we each face. But God uses that imperfect ness for His glorious perfection.. Yes, there is so much I wish I could change.
Oh, the what-ifs, the things I wish I could change, do over or even the things that I wish I could just do. They frequently play out in my head, how I would say this or that to her, what if I had done so many things differently the day that she passed. Yes, even now. And yes, I know it’s not healthy and I shouldn’t do it. But my mind has, well, a mind of its own, and these thoughts can’t always be stopped. So, I will continue with the what-ifs, while continuing to lay them at the feet of Jesus, and ask Him to ease the guilt and regrets that flood my soul, because there are many. At the end of the day, He knew what was coming, and looking back, I can se it. That’s a post for another day. Just know that I absolutely believe that I can trust e everything that I have to His loving plan for me and for my family. And, that I am forever and always grateful that He chose me to be Ashley’s Mom…Mom to the most beautiful, loving, empathetic, merciful woman I have ever known. I miss you, my Sunshine; I will see you soon. You were always enough, Ashley. And if you, my friend, are reading this…you are enough. You are loved by the Savior and Redeemer of this world who wants a personal relationship with you!! 💕
