July 2, 2019

So much in my life right now is bittersweet. I walk a line between this relentless grief and joy of my memories with Ashley. Right now, grief mostly wins. It has been ten weeks without my Sunshine, 72 days since I have held her and touched her. Every day, I want her back, and long for the day when we are reunited.

For Mother’s Day this year, Zach got me a special gift. My birthday last year was the first time he had really given me an actual gift…these are special. So, he gave me a puzzle (I greatly enjoy working puzzles), but not just any puzzle. A puzzle which is a picture of me and Ashley. And not just any picture, but a picture from the last time we did something together. It was a work thing for me, and I really didn’t want to go, and kept trying to get out of it. But Ashley was insistent that we go. Oh, God, how thankful I am that she talked me into it. It was a special day with my baby girl??? Such a precious son with a beautiful spirit.

So, I’m working on the puzzle. Zach asked me last night why I didn’t have more of Ashley completed. The truth is, it’s hard…not as in the puzzle is hard, though it is, but it is emotionally difficult. Sometimes I can only do two or three or four pieces before I break down. As I work the puzzle and find pieces and realize; what they are…I catch my breath yet again, and have to stop. Her pearl earring….her hair…her mouth…her teeth…her eyes. So many sweet memories…her beautiful, sparkling blue eyes; her smile that lit up a room and said, “I love you, Mama” so many times; her gorgeous hair that she loved for me to stroke; her earrings, which she was always losing; her beautiful hands which still loved to hold mine. How I love this girl! How I miss her joyful presence in my life! How thankful I am to have held this fleeting joy for such a short time. 

God is good. He is faithful. I can’t say I feel His presence very often, though I hear Him in His word, in the devotional He has sent me, in music, which He knows is how I often hear Him best. But I am trusting His past faithfulness and leaning on His everlasting arms, resting my head on His chest to listen for my Father’s heartbeat. And leaning on my friends and family for their love, strength, and faith. Thank you for being the hands and of feet of Jesus to hold me up.