This was written by John Stabeno on 4/19/19 (two days before Ashley died). Everything that follows is his…nothing of mine. It is truth.
Many people feel awkward around parents who suffered the loss of a child. They don’t know what to say and are afraid of offending them. Some days are better than others and it may feel like walking on eggshells especially in the beginning. Remember, in life we don’t have to say the right things or give advice – sometimes the best thing we can do for someone is quietly walk next to them on this journey called life. After years of being with people who have lost a child, here is some experience I have gathered that may help you if you love someone who has lost a child. I am sure my parents from the Comfort Club will either agree or disagree with what I have written and they will let me know! (See NO. 5)
THE 10 COMMANDMENTS OF LOVING PARENTS WHO LOST A CHILD
- Fasten your seatbelts, it is going to be a bumpy ride! Expect the unexpected. Don’t be shocked or offended by what they say or do or take things personally. Just be yourself!
- Don’t expect the person they were before the death of their child to come back. They changed the minute their child died. What used to matter before doesn’t as much. Superficial relationships are meaningless. Elvis has left the building.
- Don’t expect sympathy for trivial stuff…and to them, it is all trivial stuff!
- Don’t feel bad if they don’t call you or hang out like they used to. They already lost the relationship that meant the most to them so, not seeing or talking to you doesn’t bother them as much.
- Expect the truth out of their mouths even if it appears cold and callous – the are zero effs given and no sugar coating! There is no filter! That is all Gone with the Wind!
- Don’t be afraid to mention their kids to them. Do you think you are going to make them sad because you brought up their name as if they weren’t on their minds 24/7? You can never make them feel worse than they already feel. They like when people talk about their children.
- Don’t judge!! We cannot compare any of our losses to their loss (please don’t say you understand if you have not lost a child). (Gayla’s note: Please don’t compare losing your pet to the loss of a child; please don’t compare your child moving, going away to college, etc.to the loss of a child…your child is still on this planet.) We have thankfully not walked in their shoes — so let’s not pretend to. If they don’t show up to parties, or get together on holidays, that is their decision. Allow them space and the ability to choose how they want to spend their time.
- Let them be where they are in their grief process and not where we think they should be at a given time. You don’t get over this, you don’t move on, there is never (NEVER) any closure. It is just dy by day, sometimes minutes by minutes – year to year…year after year.
- Don’t be deceived by appearances. They may look good on the outside and have their mask on that they use when they walk out of their house, but underneath the surface is a person who, for the most part, would rather be dead.
- Be loyal and you will get loyal back. Their circle of family and friends gets smaller from day one and if you are lucky to remain in it, you will then learn the meaning of true love at any cost. These parents still have the capacity and the desire to receive and to give love, but because they have been broken and abandoned, they only share it judiciously with those who show them they aren’t going anywhere other than at their side!!
