February 6, 2021
The letting go is hard. I love holding on to things…things I can physically hold, things that have memories, things that are a part of my heart because they are memories of a beautiful past. I call myself a memory saver because I like to treasure the tangible things that are tied to those memories…the things I can touch and feel. Ecclesiastes 3:6 says there is a time to keep and a time to throw away. I prefer “letting go”. Whichever phrase is chosen, yes, I am continuing to let go.
But I remind myself that I am letting go of “things”. I will never let go of Ashley, for she and I are forever tied together…a daughter and her Mom, a beautifully perfect unbreakable bond. But the things? Well, that is a very slow letting go of. And if you’re in that place, it’s ok. Some things take a while…I don’t let go of the things until I absolutely know my heart can say goodbye to them…some things I will have until the day I leave this earth. Do I cry? Well, if you know me at all, then you know the tears flow.
I have given Ashley’s clothes away since shortly after she died. She so enjoyed clothes and had way too many. Some of those were easy to get rid of, a few I regret. Some I wear, some were given to family and friends. Some I just sent to friends a couple of months ago…some I’m using for quilts…and a few, yes, I’m still keeping…just because they were hers and so tied to my memories of her.
Her writings I keep. Drawings and artwork growing up? Over her 26 years, I held onto way too many, but have recently managed to throw some away. Coming to the knowledge that no one else would want them was heart-wrenching. They were for her children, to know who Ashley was as a child…that isn’t going to happen. So, ripping off that bandage is painful, but they have gone in the trash. I still have many of these things and will continue to make the difficult choice of when to let go of the physical manifestations of her memories.
As a little girl, Ashley was very much a doll lover and I have struggled with what to do with them. She loved tea parties with me, with her dolls, with her stuffed animals, and with her imaginary friend, Sarah. These have been more difficult to part with. It’s not that I can’t let them go…just can’t let them go to a stranger. Last week, I saw a friend’s post of her daughter’s birthday party…a tea party…dolls included! So, I reached out to her…would her daughter enjoy Ashley’s porcelain dolls, her doll clothes, and tea party set? She so graciously said “yes”! No hesitation. And the beauty of her taking them (and they are not in pristine condition because I believed they should be played with and held and loved…they were! 💕😉😊 ) is that she has sent me pictures and videos. Yes, I’ve cried a lot in giving them to her…letting go, and seeing her children enjoy them. They are happy tears at the sweet joy of her children, and also sad tears that I won’t get to share these with Ashley’s children. And I know Ashley has smiled in seeing these beloved dolls and tea sets in the hands of these precious children. And, yes, there are still more dolls. It’s a gradual release…doing what I can…when I can.
I cannot let go of the past, but I can share those “things” from Ashley’s beautiful past. I will continue to get rid of Ashley’s things, and I will struggle with each goodbye. Proverbs 4:25 says to keep my eyes fixed ahead. That is difficult when you’ve lost a child…the past is where I long to be, I can almost feel Ashley when I relive those memories. But I strive to treasure the past (rather than living in the past), while keeping my eyes on my Savior…not always easy. Yet He remains faithful.
Letting go is hard. But I have found blessings…in releasing the material things, some of that pain is also released and the joy of blessing others is a sweet balm to my soul. So, whatever hurt or grief you hold in your heart, try to let some of it go. You can’t magically do it, but I serve a God who loves me…and you…beyond measure, and continues to give me strength and comfort through each “thing” that I open my hand to release. When I hold on so tightly to the past, my hands and heart are not free to touch whatever grace God brings my way. I suspect the “letting go” will last me a lifetime. But I don’t want to live in and embrace the past, to the exclusion of God’s blessings for today. There are still blessings ahead. So, grab hold of God’s hand and let Him continue to lead you forward. He still has a purpose and a plan for me…and for you. 💕
