September 24, 2020
Ashley’s mug…shattered. The mug I have used for over a year. To have coffee every morning as I read God’s Word and talk with Him, as I think about Ashley, and talk with her. A sacred part of my new routine. Pieces. All the emotions and memories I hold so close…shared memories with Ashley. The tangible piece that she touched, that I now used. Shattered.
Like me. Shattered. Pieces that will never go back together in just the right way. Sharp edges sometimes. People have told me I’m different, and I am. The outer me is still the same, just as the design on this mug is still the same…you can still make out the flowers and can know what the design was, though it is cracked and marred, no longer the beautiful piece that it was. I wish there was a “before” picture, but you can see enough of it to imagine it. Really, I wish I had a picture of Ashley using it. But that is not to be.
The mug no longer fulfils its purpose of holding my coffee, or of that special time with Ashley. Likewise, I now hold things differently, my purposes are different. Just as my mug will not hold coffee again because it has changed, so I am changed. The core part of me…still me. But me, my being…different…a sadness, a seriousness, a grief that is now a part of who I am.
Bill tried to fix it, to put it back together. No…it can never be put back together; I love that he tried. But as I looked at it, I realised that it is me…it is us. And I don’t want to miss what God is saying to me.
I had lived as though I was somehow special and protected from such heartache. But, like this mug, I learned that I am only human…that Ashley was only human…breakable…in an instant…changed! These vessels of humanity are so very fragile!
Bill put it together in the way that seemed right to him…starting with the biggest pieces and working from the top and sides. It was only when he got to the base of the cup that he realised that that was where he should have started. Like Bill’s efforts to repair Ashley’s mug, I have often tried to “fix’ this horrible grief in my own human way…shopping, eating, … (and just to be clear, I will still be doing these unhealthy ways because they do bring momentary comfort.) But, honestly…and yes, obviously (extra 20 lbs! 🤦🏻♀️)…my ways don’t work so well.
Grief is such a lonely journey, and so I’ve done the healthy grief things (prayer, Bible, my sacred morning time, therapy, writing, gardening, chickens…and the unhealthy (see above). I’ll be transparent because this journey is a struggle, so, yeah, not everything I’ve done is “healthy” grieving, but it is how I get through the days. What I have found, though, is this: it is only when I let God do the work that I see progress, that my heart can feel His love for me and for Ashley. The Bible tells me that God is the potter and I am the clay (Jeremiah 18:4,6), and He is working to make me into a beautiful piece that will reflect His light and His love. I have never felt that more than I have these last 17 months. And I think of Jesus…my beloved Savior…who willingly (did you see that…willingly!) gave His life for mind, for yours. He was broken for my sin. He had a choice…and He chose death and brokenness so that Ashley could overcome death by spending eternity in heaven. In that time of His death, he felt forsaken and so He understands this brokenness and this broken heart. And in those moments when I let Him do the mending, oh how I feel His arms around me…and I can rest my head on His chest.
So, let me ask you: is your life in pieces? So many things can shatter us: loss of a loved one, abuse, illness… These are such unusual times, and many lives are in upheaval. This life can be so difficult, sometimes overwhelming…but God can take the broken, shattered pieces of your life, of your heart…and put them back together again (Psalm 147:3 – He heals the broken-hearted and binds their wounds). It may look different than what you had planned, different than it was a year ago…but trust His heart. He loves you. Trusting in Jesus doesn’t mean that your life is or will be perfect (as in, see my life!) It means that you believe Him, that He has a plan and a purpose for your life, for my life, and that He is working things out for your good…even when we don’t understand…even when we don’t agree with His plan. He longs to have a relationship with you, to welcome you into heaven when your days on this earth are at an end. Because, they will come to an end. Do you know Him, the Shepherd who gave His very life for you?! He is waiting for you. Let Him rejoice over you with singing (Zephaniah 3:17).
Like this mug, I may look like I did when I woke up on April 20th, 2019. But it is a different me…looks the same on the outside. But oh, if you could see the inside, you would know that this woman is vastly different from that woman. The broken pieces just don’t fit together like they used to, there are fragments that are missing…some as tiny as dust…others, as big as an elephant. Some days it is only the tiny fragments I recognise which are missing…other days, it’s those big pieces that are missing. Either way, it is painful, and the edges are sharp, and I recognise yet again that Ashley is not here, and that God is working to mend me. Unlike Ashley’s mug, He can build something new with these pieces. Those missing pieces…they are not lost forever. God holds them. And one day, I will be whole and complete. And until then We’ll, until that time, I will continue to be who God created me to be, and will continue to allow Him to shape me and mood me into the woman He desires me to be…sharp edges, broken pieces…all of it. Because what He makes is beautiful. Even if I don’t see it…even if you don’t see it.
2 Corinthians 4:7 – But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us.
